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“Differently”
They love to use that word, those doctors and teachers. “You learn differently.” “You think differently.” “Your mind works differently.”
That’s fine when you’re grown and complacent. It’s fine for doctors who use it to keep from admitting they don’t understand it either. It’s fine for teachers who only have to follow instructions on a note from a doctor or parent. When you’re a kid though, it’s never enough, and it never will be. It makes as much sense as “Because I said so.” You’re a child. You want to know. You want to understand.
How am I different? They tell me about attention deficit disorder, or ADD; about how I can’t focus. They talk like I’m going to understand that; like I know what is normal. But they may as well be explaining colors to a blind man. I’ve never been normal, so you can’t just tell me I’m “different” and expect me to understand. I’m young. I want to know and understand.
But I don’t remember what they told me.
Because I wasn’t paying attention.
That’s just how it is most days. Can you picture it for a while? Play along while I try to explain my “colors” to you.
You are told many things about your ADD. Things like it lets you think “differently.” Like they’re trying to sell you a broken product. “Here’s the bright side to your problem.” They might as well come out and say it. You’re too young still to make that connection, but you still get the feelings it causes; the confusion and sadness. “Something’s wrong with me?” You don’t feel wrong. You don’t feel different. But the adults say you are, so they must be right. Adults are never wrong… right?
You can’t remember them ever being wrong. But you weren’t paying attention.
You are told you can think deeply. Deeper than most. You don’t remember everything about it though, since you weren’t paying attention. You just take their word for it. You’re starting to figure it out; that they don’t really have the answers. They tell you that you have to figure out how it is you learn. You have to figure out what makes you different. And you try, but you can never remember to pay attention to it. You’re too busy thinking. You don’t always know what about. It isn’t until much later that you realize just how much you think. It took you this long to notice, since you weren’t really paying attention. You’d think about that more, but you can’t focus on the thought long enough to get answers. Hours later you might remember the thought, but soon after you lose the attention again.
You’re starting to get it now; how you’re different. The others, they all look quietly at their work and focus. Or they make jokes and disrupt… but even they have smart things to say. You… you don’t say much. Not until you have something worth saying. Because you learned that you can’t say smart things like that. Not often at least. Usually, you say something dumb, because you’re not paying attention. And then you go quiet again, because you’re embarrassed. It happens more often than you like to admit or remember; you blurting things out that you wouldn’t have had you been paying attention. People think you’re stupid for it. But you know you’re not. Or at least, you think you’re not. You’re honestly starting to question it yourself.
But you don’t remember any of that when people ask how your day was. Because you weren’t paying attention.
So you forgot how much it hurt when those condemning looks fell on you. You forget it all because you can’t focus on them. You guess that’s the saving grace about it. But things never really seem to get better because of it. When you have a chance to vent, to express these problems, you’ve already forgotten. So you never really get past them. You just forget them for a while, since you weren’t paying attention.
But then something happens to remind you. It happens once in a while; something bad happens, and it sort of tips the scale. And then you remember all the pain. You remember for a short time, just how different you really are. How easy things look from the outside. How you’ll never be able to keep up with the others. How you say things that make you an outcast. How you do things that make you cringe in shame. Because you weren’t paying attention… but now you are. And God, how you wish you weren’t.
Nobody really sees it. They don’t care or they don’t notice. A little ironic, how they’re not paying attention either. You wish that someone would just once tell you that they expect greatness from you. That they wouldn’t make it conditional when they say you did a good job. “That was great, but…” But you messed something up. Because you weren’t paying attention. People think you lack passion or drive, since you tend to do things half-way. But that isn’t true. You desperately want to do something right… anything. And on those rare moments when the stars a line, and all goes just as planned, you feel so amazing. You’re on top of the world. Until you forget that feeling too. Because you aren’t paying attention.
One of the biggest pains that come with it is worry. You worry about the future. So much that it sometimes makes you sick. You wonder if it’ll ever get easier. Some people grow out of it. Will you? You think that if you can’t handle all these little things, how will you possibly focus on what really matters to you? No one around you thinks you give a shit. But you do. You just can’t figure out how to show it, no matter how hard you try. “You need to focus.” You hate hearing that. Because you wish you could.
I suppose it’s not the worst thing in the world having ADD. Even though I really never grew out of it. You get into interesting conversations. And they are right when they say depth comes easy. But sometimes I wonder if that’s from the ADD or the misery it causes. Pain equals growth, after all. I’ve never been the dramatic sort. I know others have it worse than I do. But there are still those moments that, when you’re in them, make me feel like things couldn’t be worse; when all my shortcomings come back to haunt me. But then again, I don’t really remember any of that.
Because I’m not paying attention.
Look at my hands. Don't glance, but look.
These hands tell far greater a tale than any book, just look.
The cuts, calluses, and stains are proof of my pains,
And the holes for a figurative nail, my grief, explains.
Figurative, but still somehow litteral. For my woes can be biblical.
For my woes are the worst I have felt, and have made me cynical.
My unforgivable sins. They haunt me, those misdeeds.
My creed is to you God, and in this world of wants and needs
I need you.
I need forgiveness, for I have sinned and I know I shall sin. I will sin again,
As the storm follows the wind so too does my weakness lead my sin.
Sin loves me God. And help me, I don't want to love it back.
I'm under attack and these enemies are within me.
I have doubts and and I fear you. I fear what you mean.
I fear love, and I fear you because I have loved and lost.
And you are love, and I know what love can cost.
My currency is time and I am running out steadily.
I will serve you readily, but never perfectly because I am not heavenly.
I have heard you, Lord, and I have ignored you for too long.
Because I thought I wasn't wise, or brave, or strong.
I could always find something wrong; I am flawed.
I felt the presence of you, God, and I awed.
And I asked myself, "How can I ever be worthy?" And I tried to hide.
When I should have asked, "How much can I MAKE myself worth?" And tried.
But I'm done hiding, God, and there's no tears left to cry.
I'm not ready to serve you, Lord, but I will try.
Worthy
A prayer I wrote after a long day of work. Hope you enjoy.
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Gaster Blaster Cursors Pic by bacondog
Gaster Blaster Cursors Pic
So I fell in love with Undertale so much I created my desktop theme around it. But when I tried to find a cursor with the Gaster Blaster on it, I was woefully without. So here you go. I made some. Big thanks to Toby Fox, the creator of Undertale!
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Sometimes, it's nice to just write. You don't have to have inspiration or even meaning. Just put words down on paper or keyboard and run with it until you're tired. And then, if you want, pick and choose you favorite parts. Rearrange them, maybe. Play around with synonyms and antonyms until you're satisfied. Then, before you know it, you'll have something you love, that's uniquely bound to your own innermost thoughts, as well as those conscious ideas; born of both. It is, by far, my favorite way to write.
So yeah. Read that junk. Please... 
Also, I'm thinking about writing a webcomic. (getting some help with the art part, since I con't draw worth poo) It's going to be a long time. And I mean LOOOONG time before I get on that. I've got a good bit written, but the thing is that I don't really know where else to start. So we'll see how goes. 
  • Reading: Zebra Girl

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bacondog
Roland
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
NO!!! BAD DOG!!! STOP EATING YOURSELF!!!

I'm just trying to be a good man, and hoping I do what's right. Simple, but by no means easy.

Current Residence: Houma, La
Favourite genre of music: Rock
Favourite style of art: smooth abstract
MP3 player of choice: ipod touch
Favourite cartoon character: peter grifin
Personal Quote: "Anyone can do anything, if they will to do so. They simply can not do everything well, or without cosiquence."
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:iconmidnightwolf207:
MidnightWolf207 Featured By Owner May 22, 2013
*Derps around your dA and leaves random doodles of Sam and Luna everywhere* <w< >w> HINT.

Bwahaha. I dunno what I'm even doing here. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Missin' you. X3
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:iconbacondog:
bacondog Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
lol <3
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:iconarianod:
Arianod Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fave! :thumbsup:
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:iconrinafanel:
RinaFanel Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ROLIPOLIOLI!!!!
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:iconbacondog:
bacondog Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
RINANANANANANANANA(batmaaaaaaaaan)
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:iconrinafanel:
RinaFanel Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Rolipolioli!!!
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:iconragingrainbows:
RagingRainbows Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the Favorite!
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:iconaznsiegler:
Aznsiegler Featured By Owner Feb 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the watch ^^
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